Finding Happiness
by Sam Carter O'Neill
Summary: I need to see you... Another SJ... set between seasons 8 and 9. Sam's POV.


FINDING HAPPINESS

Inspired by "Ex Deus Machina"

POV: Sam

Setting: The time between seasons 8 and 9

**Spoilers: seasons 7 (specifically "Grace"), 8 (specifically "Threads"), and 9**

WARNING: Corny religious themes ahead! Skip them if you like, (where the "Amen" is ) they're not REALLY a big part of the story.

I haven't been to mass since my mother's funeral mass. She was the reason that Mark, Dad, or I ever went to Church. We weren't religious by any standards. I mean, I guess we believed in God. Mark got married in a church; Pete and I were going to.

But this…

I was driving along the unfamiliar roads near Cassandra Frasier and my new apartment just 10 minutes from Area 51. I just saw this church, a catholic one, I think. And I… found myself pulling into its driveway and walking inside.

When I opened the doors, the congregation was standing and singing "Alleluia." I walked towards the back and stood against the rear wall as the priest began the gospel.

"A reading from the first letter of Saint Paul to the Corinthians, " the middle-aged Irishman began, " 'If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

"'Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

"'Love never fails. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.'"

"Thanks be to God."

"I would like to begin this homily as I do all others, by welcoming those of you traveling or visiting from other parishes, and perhaps just dropping by.

"Today's gospel, written by Saint Paul in a letter to the Corinthians, has a theme so beautiful in its honesty, truth and simplicity. In it, Saint Paul reminds the early Christians, and ourselves, the great importance of love.

"In today's world, the concept of 'love' presented to us is misused and misunderstood.

"Christ is the quintessence of love.

"'Love bears all things,' as Christ bore the cross; 'believes all things, hopes all things' as Christ believes in his resurrection and hopes in the redemption of Man; 'endures all things.'

"Love, as we tell couples embarking on the wonderful journey and joys of a life together in marriage, is something felt not with our bodies, but with our souls—our very _beings_.

"My dearest brothers and sisters in Christ, 'Love never fails.' I tell you today as Saint Paul told the Corinthians, never lose faith or hope in love. When all else fails and crumbles, 'love remains.'

"In the name of the Father and of the Son, and the Holy Spirit,"

"Amen."

I can feel the blood pumping in my veins. It seems unlikely that the first time I step into a church in decades, the priest would read a gospel and say a homily that dig into my heart.

My mind has been a myriad of confused and conflicting emotions since my father's death. The week he died had been the week I'd broken Pete's heart. Two parts of me had died that week. But one amazing new part of me had been born in the form of Jonathan O'Neill.

We had both been overjoyed to find a way around the Air Force regulations that had kept us apart for so long. Unfortunately and ironically our solution had meant separation. Separation from Colorado, the SGC, Daniel, Teal'c, our homes, SG1… the lives we'd known for 8 years.

'Love is patient… endures all things."

Some things are worth waiting for, and worth sacrificing for.

I had realized by then that my dad had been right. I _was_ missing something.

"But if I do not have love, I am nothing."

I wipe a tear from my face and genuflect, making the sign of the cross I thought I'd forgotten. I leave the church and go to the parking lot, headed towards the rented silver Chrysler. I pull out my keys and stick one in the car door. Hearing the click, I pull the door open and sit behind the steering wheel. I slam the door shut and roll down the window, feeling the hot air blow through my hair though the car remains stationary. I rest my elbow on the empty space where the glass had been, and lay my chin on my hand.

I reach for my cell phone and dial the second number on my speed-dial.

It rings four times before a clearly agitated voice answers, "O'Neill."

"Hi," I say sheepishly.

"Oh! Hey Carter!" he responds cheerfully, "How may I be of assistance today?"

"I… um. I need to see you," I say, going for brutal honesty.

"Sam," he says after a moment. "You know I'd like to see you too but I'm sorta… stuck here."

"I'll come up there," I offer.

Silence.

"Er… okay," he acquiesces. "But I don't know what I can do about airfare," he says seriously.

"I'll pay. I just…" I sigh.

"Wait, what's the matter? Is something wrong? " he asks.

"No. Well… yes." I hold my breath, "I miss you."

My throat constricts and my eyes sting as I hear his breath and shifting of the phone. I need him, and I hate myself for being so damned vulnerable. My father had been right about a lot of things in our last years together—one of them being my fear of getting hurt.

"I'll leave tonight," I say, knowing he's at a loss for words.

"Good."

"Bye Jack."

"Sam."

I notice a wet tear trickling down my cheek.

"I… I love you."

_I'm a safe bet... No matter what, believe me…Always…_

I try to swallow the lump in my throat, "I love you."

"Hurry," he says, his voice deep but gentle, "I'll get a cake."

I smile through my tears, not satisfied, not content; but _happy_ and in love.


End file.
